It being within a week of our first days of the new school year, I find myself questioning my devotion to the teaching profession. I guess all teachers go through this at different stages of their careers, during the highs and the lows, and the in-betweens. But, I became concerned about my lack of enthusiasm for the new school year, when in the past I was counting down the days.

At the end of the last school year, we left with the knowledge that there was a possibility that jobs could get cut, and that I could be on that list. I've struggled mentally, emotionally, and in my faith to deal with that possibility. Twice, our budget didn't pass in the town referendum, which now leaves us hanging. To top it all off, our superintendent, who we hired with a 5 year contract, has left for another job closer to home. This time, a permanent super didn't leave because of town politics, but because of personal reasons. But now, at the beginning of a new school year, we have no budget and no super.

Last week, I began going back to school to prepare my room, but found that I was struggling to get on track. Why? In the past, I was there, fully aware of what I wanted to accomplish each time I went. I didn't feel motivated at all. I basically had to make myself go at some point. This worried me a lot.

Why was I lacking my enthusiasm? Could it have been because we didn't have much of a summer with all of the rain? Did I not enjoy the kids anymore? Did some of the negative experiences from the year before ruin my enjoyment of teaching? Why was I struggling like this? It finally made sense to me this week.

I had to go to town before going to school to pick up some last minute school supplies at the store. I ran into a couple of my former students and one who I'll be teaching this year, and I felt that wave and twinge of excitement that I usually get when I see the school supplies come on sale each fall. That feeling of excitement mixed with butterflies that makes me catch my breath and want to skip over to the notebooks and pens to buy some, whether I need a new one or not. It's comparable to the feeling a child gets on Christmas morning, or Easter when they look for the hidden eggs, or their birthday knowing their party will be that night. The child in me comes out a bit and I get that excited feeling that this year will be better; I'll reach all of the kids and accomplish everything I had hoped for.

Once I stopped at the main office at school, the cloud of the school and town politics loomed above. I could feel it when I walked in and that's when it occurred to me; it's not the kids or my job as a teacher that's making it hard for me to be motivated for the new year, it's the politics. I love my students, even the tough ones, and I enjoy seeing them during the summer and breaks. On the first days of school I get a rush of excitement that I'll see my students again, and dread the loss of the 8th graders on the last days of school.

Please don't get me wrong. As an educator, I understand that it's important to be involved and know what's going on around you, in your local communities and your world. However, I also know my limitations and what my stressors are. Politics, to me, is a negative thing, with all of the backstabbing, lying and cheating going on, and it's exhausting. I can't seem to wrap my head around a lot of the jargon and policies that are attached to politics. Politics for me is something that creates more stress than anything else that's tied to the teaching profession. Hearing the rumors and listening to everyone's fears as they talk in a hush in the teacher's room and halls, although I have to admit I had let myself get caught up in it last spring, just makes things worse and becomes too much of a distraction.

Although I agree that it's important to get involved, it's equally important to separate the politics from the classroom. The kids feel it and I want them to have a positive experience rather than a stressful one. School doesn't need to be stressful, for either the students or the teachers, at least not in the sense of politics getting in the way.

So...I've decided to put on my blinders as of now, walk into my classroom when next Wednesday comes, and focus on the kids and how much I enjoy teaching them. There's a time and place for everything, but the classroom is not the place for this kind of politics.

Waiting to see...

In my last post, I talked about how we had someone coming to look at our house. He came with his parents in tow checking everything out. Things seem to have gone well. Out of the 5 houses he looked at yesterday, he seemed to like ours along with one other. So...needless to say, we're hopeful. In the meantime, Hubby is still considering our options, and I'm being more receptive to the discussion as well.

In the meantime, life goes on and I've got just over a week left of vacation. I went to my classroom today (This is a picture of the middle school portion of our school. Mine's on the the bottom floor starting from the 3rd window from the left and includes 7 windows.) and didn't spend as long as I had originally wanted to, but I got some things accomplished just the same. When I came home, I continued working and got more rubrics and projects worked out. They're the same as I had the kids use last year, but I revamped things a bit. While it was still fresh in my mind, I made some changes that I felt were necessary, and now I'm making them so I can print them out tomorrow and make enough copies for the year.

I find it's hard to be motivated when it makes twice that our school budget doesn't pass the referendum vote. Our local mill is struggling right now having filed Chapter 15 Bankruptcy (like Chapter 13, but international), so everyone's panicking and worried that the mill won't be able to cover the share of taxes it did in the past. I can't say I'm not worried about the mill either, but does this mean that I will have to purchase my own supplies at some point? Being the only one bringing in income right now, spending money on supplies for school is not an option.

So, today was a mixed bag. We got some good news about the house situation, and I struggled with the situation at school. I'm heading back to school tomorrow, and having had accomplished what I did today, I'm sure I'll feel better about things tomorrow. Only time will tell how things will pan out. Until next time...

Reflections

I was raised a Catholic, but have always felt that He doesn't care what faith I am as long as I have faith in Him. I've always had a hard time giving up something so personal as my faith in God into the hands of man. Especially when I've learned how much man has had an influence in the development and creation of my religious faith, and the corruption that many faiths, including my own, have affected our world throughout our ancient and recent history.

I grew up attending church on a weekly basis, and during Lent, a daily basis. I continued that ritual throughout most of my twenties, too. I've prayed for things to happen, however, the big things that I've prayed for never happened, but yet, the big and little things that I haven't prayed for, but left up to Him did. I know that sometimes He says yes, or no, or not right now, but I end up obsessing over it only to end up making myself sick and sometimes left disappointed.

Last spring, Hubby and I decided to put our home for sale. Just so you know how it's going, it's still for sale. Last summer, I prayed religiously (no pun intended) to St. Joseph, patron saint of money matters, among other issues, and to St. Theresa Martin, my patron saint. One Sunday we went to church and saw several vases of roses near the alter. For those who may not know, if prayers to St. Theresa Martin get answered, the one praying will either see roses, smell roses, or receive roses. So, when I saw all of those roses, I was so excited that I almost fell off the kneeler. I couldn't control my excitement. Days went by, weeks, and now months, and nothing but disappointment and a for sale sign still on my lawn.

When I learned on Wednesday that the community that I work in, in their infinite wisdom and panic over our paper mill filing bankruptcy, voted not to approve our budget, I was depressed. I moped around the house all morning and forced myself to take a shower and head out with the kids for a ride.

What have eventually learned in all of this reflection? No, not that he doesn't listen, but to have faith and patience, and to leave it up to Him instead. He knows what's best for me. Sometimes in life I need to make the decisions, but there are times that it's best to let Him guide me. I've had a philosophy since my divorce that everything happens for a reason and I've had experiences that have proven this to me. The life I've led yesterday helps to create not only my future tomorrow, but the person I am today. The choices I make today don't just impact me, but those I run into every day. I have to remember this. So, now when I pray to Him, I tell him I'm leaving it in His hands and that I have faith that He will take care of me. It's a huge test of my faith to do that, but what was said of that mustard seed?

Addiction

Often times Hubby and I scold the boys for playing their games so much. I could never understand how they can be so engrossed in something that I have such little patience for. I've played video games before, in fact, I've saved the princess on Mario Bros. a few times back in the day. But after a while, other video games became annoying and I lost patience quickly and eventually lost interest.

In an earlier posting I mentioned how I started a FaceBook account, which is part of the reason I've slacked on my blog. Sorry folks. Some of my friends got me into a farming game. At first I resisted, but then curiosity got the best of me and I just had to check it out. I was sent trees, flowers, and animals as gifts, and I wanted to see what the whole game was about. Little by little I learned how it worked. I harvest crops for other "farmers" to gain coins in order to plow my fields and plant my crops. Then I can hire others to harvest my crops when they are ready and gain coins that way too. I was really getting into this.

As our school year was coming to an end, I was beginning to feel a bit let down. I was saying goodbye to a group of kids that I've known since they've been in the 3rd grade, now moving up to the 9th. Not only that, but my district was stressing over the idea that our school budget had to be cut drastically. The economical situation going on right now with our local paper mill filing bankruptcy has really caused anxiety in the community, too. The threat of layoffs are looming heavily overhead. Heading towards my last days of school, I began spending more time on the game. I had a goal to gain enough coins to purchase a house, then every time I reached a certain level, I was able to purchase different animals, or trees, or seeds, or flowers. I eventually purchased a barn, which jumped me immediately to yet another level. Friends were commenting on how quickly I've moved up having started the game way after them. I felt I was successful, accomplishing the goals I set for myself and continuously moving ahead. It was quite the feeling; so unlike my real life.

This past week, Hubby and I sent the boys to bed. He and I were both playing the game (I got him hooked too) and we were both trying to gain as many coins as we could to accomplish whatever goal we had for that night. I finished harvesting for someone else's crops and went to say goodnight. Hubby was not finished yet, so he took a little longer. One, two, three minutes go by and doesn't Kerry call Hubby to go tuck him in. Hubby told him he'd be right there. One, two, three more minutes pass and Kerry said, "Dad. You guys are getting as bad as me and Kenny on those games." We had no choice but to laugh and agree with him. We hadn't realized just how much we were getting into it. It took an 8-year-old to remind us of our growing addiction to this farming game.

I've since wondered about why I got to this point with the game. Why was I so addicted to it? All it is, is growing crops, gaining coins, buying more seeds to grow more crops, occasionally purchasing more land and making it look nice. But what was the appeal for me? Then it hit me. This past Wednesday, I learned that the school budget didn't pass and that I may not have a job in the fall, and I continously hung out on "the farm", harvesting and planting and buying more stuff. Everything else around me got neglected, but I was beginning to feel that successful, satisfying feeling again. That's when I realized that I was attracted to this game because it filled the void that my life had at the time; success and satisfaction. I began imagining the guys on "Big Bang Theory" constantly involved in their role-playing and video games. TV makes fun of these scenarios, but we can all easily fall into these traps. That's how people get into other means of filling the void, giving them this successful and satisfying feeling that they crave. We're all guilty of it in some form or another. Some ways are harmless, but time-wasters, while others are dangerous and illegal. I'm just glad I chose the time-waster.