Reflections

I was raised a Catholic, but have always felt that He doesn't care what faith I am as long as I have faith in Him. I've always had a hard time giving up something so personal as my faith in God into the hands of man. Especially when I've learned how much man has had an influence in the development and creation of my religious faith, and the corruption that many faiths, including my own, have affected our world throughout our ancient and recent history.

I grew up attending church on a weekly basis, and during Lent, a daily basis. I continued that ritual throughout most of my twenties, too. I've prayed for things to happen, however, the big things that I've prayed for never happened, but yet, the big and little things that I haven't prayed for, but left up to Him did. I know that sometimes He says yes, or no, or not right now, but I end up obsessing over it only to end up making myself sick and sometimes left disappointed.

Last spring, Hubby and I decided to put our home for sale. Just so you know how it's going, it's still for sale. Last summer, I prayed religiously (no pun intended) to St. Joseph, patron saint of money matters, among other issues, and to St. Theresa Martin, my patron saint. One Sunday we went to church and saw several vases of roses near the alter. For those who may not know, if prayers to St. Theresa Martin get answered, the one praying will either see roses, smell roses, or receive roses. So, when I saw all of those roses, I was so excited that I almost fell off the kneeler. I couldn't control my excitement. Days went by, weeks, and now months, and nothing but disappointment and a for sale sign still on my lawn.

When I learned on Wednesday that the community that I work in, in their infinite wisdom and panic over our paper mill filing bankruptcy, voted not to approve our budget, I was depressed. I moped around the house all morning and forced myself to take a shower and head out with the kids for a ride.

What have eventually learned in all of this reflection? No, not that he doesn't listen, but to have faith and patience, and to leave it up to Him instead. He knows what's best for me. Sometimes in life I need to make the decisions, but there are times that it's best to let Him guide me. I've had a philosophy since my divorce that everything happens for a reason and I've had experiences that have proven this to me. The life I've led yesterday helps to create not only my future tomorrow, but the person I am today. The choices I make today don't just impact me, but those I run into every day. I have to remember this. So, now when I pray to Him, I tell him I'm leaving it in His hands and that I have faith that He will take care of me. It's a huge test of my faith to do that, but what was said of that mustard seed?