"The Rose Beyond the Wall"

Waiting for someone to die is hard. I know it sounds morbid of me to say it this way, but when someone has been sick and suffering, you know that the best for that person is to die. However, wanting what’s best for that person leaves you with side effects; heart-wrenching feelings of guilt and sadness.

My grandmother has had Alzheimer’s for several years now, having been diagnosed late. She also has a form of geriatric leukemia that tends to complicate things for her when she gets sick. I don’t want her to die; she’s my Mémère. But she’s now a shell of who she used to be and it’s painful seeing her suffer, or just knowing that she’s suffering.

She doesn’t remember or recognize anyone anymore, even my mother who’s been with her everyday for the last few years she’s been in a nursing home. She’s now on oxygen, the highest setting, having just dealt with double pneumonia, and is very weak. She's a lifeless body fighting to breathe. She's been given morphine shots off and on throughout the past few days to make her comfortable It's so painful knowing that she's slipping away.

The last time I saw her was at Christmas. She recognized me as belonging to my mom, which was a good thing at this point. She did her usual facial gesture of raising her eyebrows a couple of times to acknowledge you. This is the memory I want to keep in my mind. She was gaunt, but looked better than I've been told she looks now. She hasn’t recognized anyone since Friday and hasn't tried to communicate either.

I also have a cousin who’s almost a year younger than me. She’s been in a semi-comatose state for a couple of weeks now because she’s losing her third fight with cancer. From what I’ve been told, she’s a shell of who she used to be. I hate knowing that she’s suffering so much, as well as her family watching her deteriorate in this way. I want her to die, bluntly put, I know, because I know she’s suffering so much. My cousin is also my grandmother’s granddaughter, too, so we think that perhaps they’re waiting for each other. Our souls are more aware of what our minds perceive.

The last time I saw my cousin, was at my sister’s wedding, nearly three years ago. She was a picture of health and happiness. She and her husband were on top of the world and seemed so happy together. It breaks my heart that her husband, parents, brother and sister, along with their families, are struggling, helplessly watching her die, and will have to eventually go on without her in their lives.

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I learned since writing this that my cousin has passed away: Tonya Gagne, b. September 1970, d. March 3, 2009 at 5:30 p.m. She was a special lady and everyone who knew her loved her strength and courage.




One of my favorite poems that has always helped me deal with losing a loved one, especially one who has been suffering for a long time, is called, “The Rose Beyond the Wall”, author unknown. I hope it can give you peace some day when you need it most.

The Rose Beyond The Wall

A rose once grew where all could see,
Sheltered beside a garden wall,
And, as the days passed swiftly by,
It spread its branches, straight and tall.

One day, a beam of light shone through
A crevice that had opened wide-
The rose bent gently toward its warmth
Then passed beyond to the other side.

Now, you who deeply feel its loss,
Be comforted - the rose blooms there-
It's beauty even greater now,
Nurtured by God's own loving care.

...Author Unknown