Airman

So, I mentioned in an earlier post that my oldest stepson, Kris, was gone to the Air Force. He left right after Mother’s Day, May 20th, for Lackland Air Force Base in Texas. That changed our lives forever.  His decision set off a chain of events that we never expected. 

First of all, that meant we needed to start planning for our trip to his graduation over 2,000 milesaway to Lackland AFB in Texas. My husband flew for the first time to Ontario for work, but I’ve never been. And I don’t think my little 4-seater flight really counts. 

Kris also fell in love with a great gal who has a 4-year-old boy, who we’ve quickly become attached to. So long story short, they’re getting married right after his graduation. We’ll be gaining a daughter-in-law and a grandson.  

We’re excited to see Kris in a couple of weeks, but it will be bittersweet because when we leave on Monday he’s leaving for Florida for 10 weeks of training. It kind of makes the 8 1/2 weeks of basic training seem like nothing. However, this time we’ll be able to at least call him or even videochat with Kris, so we won’t have the radio silence we’ve had all this time. 

Sadly, though, his brother, Kam, missed out on having his brother around for his big moments. Kam’s 18th Birthday was the day after Kris’ swearing and the weekend after was Kam’s prom. Then two weeks later was Kam’s high school graduation. All of the moments Kam got to see his brother experience Kam didn’t have his brother thereto witness his. 

In the meantime I’ve spent a small fortune on an app called Sandboxx, which is created by the military that allows families and friends to send letters much quicker, along with a photo, to their airman.  $4 a letter, but it’s easy to do and they print out a photo for them along with your letter, and they also provide the airman with a self addressed and self stamped envelope for their convenience. So I made sure to write him often and talk about what’s going on with us, and send meaningful pictures, too. 

We’re now 13 days before we leave to take the flight, which is a 6-hour drive just to the airport. I have to learn how to pack appropriately and for 7 days. I’m pretty anxious about the flying part, but fortunately my future daughter-in-law has flown many times before and can help guide me.  I’ve been told it’s no big deal and that I’ll actually enjoy it, so we’ll see.   I’ll keep you all posted. 

Conflicting Emotions

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything at all.  Four years to be exact. Sorry about that. I'll explain more in future posts, but for now, I'll talk about what's been going on.

I have never had children of my own.  Readers have come to know how I have two stepsons who I've helped raise for the past 17 years.  The oldest was turning 5 and the youngest turning 1 when I met them. They are now 22 and 18 and now both graduated from high school.  I'll get to them in a bit.

I only have one sibling, my sister who is 11 1/2 years younger than me.  So it's understandable that she's referred to me as her second mom. Well, last year she became pregnant with my first niece by birth (I already have 2 nieces and 2 nephews through marriage), Adeline.  She's beautiful, but I'm biased so...anyhow, she's perfect, healthy and thriving.

Adeline 5 months old

On Friday, July 13, 2018, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She was already mostly through her 1st trimester. In spite of her pregnancy, her doctors informed her that she could receive chemo treatments during her 2nd trimester because Adeline was already formed at this point.  So my sister started her treatments until two weeks before Adeline was born, and resumed the chemo again sometime after she was recovered.

Last month they did a new round of tests and learned that her breast cancer spread to her sternum.  So, long story short, she's having a double mastectomy and will have to receive 5-6 weeks of radiation 6 hours from home.  We're currently working to raise money so she can stay where her daughter can be with her. Here's the link in case anyone is interested in donating or even sharing.

So the oldest, Kris, enlisted in the Air Force and left in May. He's now about to start WOT (Week of Training) 6.  So basically I'll be traveling from little 'ole northern Maine to fly to San Antonio, Texas. This is the first time I'll be on a commercial plane, the first time I travel anywhere past Connecticut, and the furthest I've ever been away from home. I'm excited and nervous at the same time.  I've missed Kris and wrote to him often telling him what's happening back home, and sending him messages of how proud I am, encouragement, and motivation.

On top of attending his graduation in July, the day of his graduation is the day he plans to marry his fiancée.  So we've got lots to plan just to get there and for the wedding ceremony, too. We've got everything booked, so hopefully everything falls into place.  Also, we're not only gaining a daughter-in-law, but an adorable 4-year-old grandson. 

Kris (R) and Kam (L)

Now the youngest, Kam, just graduated from high school after Kris left for the Air Force.  He had originally planned to go to college for nursing, but now it seems like the Air Force is calling him, too.  So we're waiting for Kam to decide exactly what he wants to do.

There are so many changes and it's almost overwhelming if I let it.  At least this time I don't have to change school districts. Thankfully, most of what's going on is happening this summer, because during the school year would be way too much.

Well, that's basically what's been going on in a nutshell. I'll be back to explain more, but for now....

~I'm grateful for my health and my family.

"The Rose Beyond the Wall"

Waiting for someone to die is hard. I know it sounds morbid of me to say it this way, but when someone has been sick and suffering, you know that the best for that person is to die. However, wanting what’s best for that person leaves you with side effects; heart-wrenching feelings of guilt and sadness.

My grandmother has had Alzheimer’s for several years now, having been diagnosed late. She also has a form of geriatric leukemia that tends to complicate things for her when she gets sick. I don’t want her to die; she’s my Mémère. But she’s now a shell of who she used to be and it’s painful seeing her suffer, or just knowing that she’s suffering.

She doesn’t remember or recognize anyone anymore, even my mother who’s been with her everyday for the last few years she’s been in a nursing home. She’s now on oxygen, the highest setting, having just dealt with double pneumonia, and is very weak. She's a lifeless body fighting to breathe. She's been given morphine shots off and on throughout the past few days to make her comfortable It's so painful knowing that she's slipping away.

The last time I saw her was at Christmas. She recognized me as belonging to my mom, which was a good thing at this point. She did her usual facial gesture of raising her eyebrows a couple of times to acknowledge you. This is the memory I want to keep in my mind. She was gaunt, but looked better than I've been told she looks now. She hasn’t recognized anyone since Friday and hasn't tried to communicate either.

I also have a cousin who’s almost a year younger than me. She’s been in a semi-comatose state for a couple of weeks now because she’s losing her third fight with cancer. From what I’ve been told, she’s a shell of who she used to be. I hate knowing that she’s suffering so much, as well as her family watching her deteriorate in this way. I want her to die, bluntly put, I know, because I know she’s suffering so much. My cousin is also my grandmother’s granddaughter, too, so we think that perhaps they’re waiting for each other. Our souls are more aware of what our minds perceive.

The last time I saw my cousin, was at my sister’s wedding, nearly three years ago. She was a picture of health and happiness. She and her husband were on top of the world and seemed so happy together. It breaks my heart that her husband, parents, brother and sister, along with their families, are struggling, helplessly watching her die, and will have to eventually go on without her in their lives.

* * * *



I learned since writing this that my cousin has passed away: Tonya Gagne, b. September 1970, d. March 3, 2009 at 5:30 p.m. She was a special lady and everyone who knew her loved her strength and courage.




One of my favorite poems that has always helped me deal with losing a loved one, especially one who has been suffering for a long time, is called, “The Rose Beyond the Wall”, author unknown. I hope it can give you peace some day when you need it most.

The Rose Beyond The Wall

A rose once grew where all could see,
Sheltered beside a garden wall,
And, as the days passed swiftly by,
It spread its branches, straight and tall.

One day, a beam of light shone through
A crevice that had opened wide-
The rose bent gently toward its warmth
Then passed beyond to the other side.

Now, you who deeply feel its loss,
Be comforted - the rose blooms there-
It's beauty even greater now,
Nurtured by God's own loving care.

...Author Unknown